john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
