Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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