my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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