My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
