I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
