my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
