So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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