I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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