Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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