You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
