Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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