who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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