So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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