Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
