You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
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we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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