You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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