I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
