dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
