So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
