she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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