just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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