Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
