hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Found the puke drawer
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
