Me. At least after what I've been through.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
