Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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