she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
