Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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