All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
