just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
