Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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