maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
