i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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