we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Your cock deserves a montage
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
