and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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