Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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