I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
