I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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