I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
