just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
