Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
