I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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