If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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