You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
