I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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