She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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