I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
