im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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