2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
