ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
