i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
