I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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