I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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