I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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