everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
