Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
