I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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