Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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