Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
even my farts smell like vagina
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
